Category: Beware the Hatted Ones

On the approach to a very tricky bend in the road (involving almost a half turn of the steering wheel) the driver in front slowed almost to a stop. As we straightened up after the bend he did stop. There was a railroad crossing. No lights, barriers, bells or school buses of course, just the tracks, with nothing to be seen on either side for a good mile. Safety confirmed, he moved off. Thirty yards further, the road widens to two lanes as you approach a four way intersection with stop lights. The driver did not know which lane to use, so he cleverly positioned his vehicle across the divide, half in each lane. Aha! A truly excellent tactic which earned him the time needed to make a decision which direction he was going next. The edible Nikki and I settled in a safe 10 yards behind and waited for some entertainment. Would it be left? Would it be right? Would it be straight on? We placed our bets and the tension mounted as we waited for the light to change to green. When it did, the tension mounted further: The car did not move. We waited. 10 seconds…15…suddenly, decision made, the car moved forward. It became clear he was going straight across! What decisiveness! What skills! What a prick! If only he had thought to move his vehicle back into the correct lane when he did this, oncoming traffic could have avoided the unnecessary swerve and mounting of the kerb needed to avoid this half-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road vehicle as it approached head on.

Fortunately the edible Nikki and I turned left, out of imminent danger. We listened for car horns or the sound of grinding metal for another few minutes but nothing could be heard. Either other road users managed to avoid the car or he had driven quietly into a ditch and was still trying to decide which gear to engage for best exit therefrom. The last thing we saw of the departing vehicle was the drivers head, stooped low under a baseball cap brim as he tried to see the road without taking off the bloody hat. I don’t think it occurred to him to push it back up his head a little.

A scary thing happened to me on the way home from work the other day. I pulled up at an intersection, right behind a driving school car. I could clearly see the learner and his instructor. To my horror I saw that both were wearing hats! OMG, the blind leading the blind is an old phrase but freakishly accurate. As I sat there waiting for them to move off I saw them each pointing in a variety of directions, blissfully unaware of the traffic building up behind them. This went on for over a minute. Long enough for a good half dozen vehicles to be stalled at the tumbleweed-empty intersection on Hwy 3. Normally, one would assume the instructor was pointing out important things and they were discussing scenarios. Based on my theory and experience, it is more likely they were deciding which way to go next. Since one of the directions was up, either the discussion had ranged to the need to yield for oncoming aircraft or the car was about to spread wings. I started to worry. Eventually, they decided they were going straight across the intersection, and off they went. They were narrowly missed by a truck. Which are louder, do you think? Air horns or air brakes?

I have been a driver for many years, in various vehicles and countries. Much of that was commercial deliveries or sales. Starting in my home town 20 years ago, I worked up to regional, then national coverage, finally spending three years as the sales manager for a national distribution company. During that time I spent 10-16 hours per day, 5 days per week on the road, sleeping in hotels and covering around 1000 miles (1600km) per week from one end of the UK to the other (I got paid to listen to the radio! Yippee!). This was small vehicle, of course, under the radar of the Ministry which governs how many hours you can drive per day by putting a nice machine in the cab which tells your boss where to stick his overtime. Anyhoo, as a time served veteran of the UK/Europe/Canada highway system I hereby claim my right to An Opinion and here it is: People that wear hats while driving are a danger to themselves and others. They should be taken outside and have their keys hidden in the body cavity of your choice and told to walk home without removing them.

I noticed early on that the majority of stupid things I saw on the road during those 10 hour+ days involved drivers with hats. Tall, short, young, old, male or female. The common factor was then and always has been since, a hat. I started thinking about this, having nothing better to do, and came to a simple conclusion. It was this. People that wear hats while driving have a lower I.Q. than the average simian, which explains their inablity to drive in a straight line or follow the same rules of the road as the rest of the world. Simply put, drivers-in-hats are so dumb they bend low over the wheel while driving, just so they don’t have to take off their hats. I have seen drivers with their noses pressed to the wheel so close they couldn’t possibly see the road ahead (or anything unlucky enough to be crossing it at the time), drivers with unbuttoned ear flaps covering their eyes, drivers that release the wheel to catch the hat when wind flips it off their head and even, once, a driver that actually switched hats while driving. These same people are always en-route to an accident. They are the ones that will routinely indicate right then turn left, stop for no obvious reason in the middle of the highway, overtake stationary school buses and drive so close to my tailpipe I want a cigarette when they pull out.

I have made a habit of watching for hats. I told the edible Nikki about this and she now routinely watches for the Hatted Ones too. When we see one, we call it out. And usually, 30 seconds or so later, something stoopid happens. I love wedding parties: I have a theory the bride is traditionally late to church because the chauffeur driver just keeps turning left. Let my experience be a lesson to all. It could save your life someday. Beware the Hatted Ones! And if you are one, take the bugger off. You look silly.