Hats? Don’t get me started about hats…

I have been a driver for many years, in various vehicles and countries. Much of that was commercial deliveries or sales. Starting in my home town 20 years ago, I worked up to regional, then national coverage, finally spending three years as the sales manager for a national distribution company. During that time I spent 10-16 hours per day, 5 days per week on the road, sleeping in hotels and covering around 1000 miles (1600km) per week from one end of the UK to the other (I got paid to listen to the radio! Yippee!). This was small vehicle, of course, under the radar of the Ministry which governs how many hours you can drive per day by putting a nice machine in the cab which tells your boss where to stick his overtime. Anyhoo, as a time served veteran of the UK/Europe/Canada highway system I hereby claim my right to An Opinion and here it is: People that wear hats while driving are a danger to themselves and others. They should be taken outside and have their keys hidden in the body cavity of your choice and told to walk home without removing them.

I noticed early on that the majority of stupid things I saw on the road during those 10 hour+ days involved drivers with hats. Tall, short, young, old, male or female. The common factor was then and always has been since, a hat. I started thinking about this, having nothing better to do, and came to a simple conclusion. It was this. People that wear hats while driving have a lower I.Q. than the average simian, which explains their inablity to drive in a straight line or follow the same rules of the road as the rest of the world. Simply put, drivers-in-hats are so dumb they bend low over the wheel while driving, just so they don’t have to take off their hats. I have seen drivers with their noses pressed to the wheel so close they couldn’t possibly see the road ahead (or anything unlucky enough to be crossing it at the time), drivers with unbuttoned ear flaps covering their eyes, drivers that release the wheel to catch the hat when wind flips it off their head and even, once, a driver that actually switched hats while driving. These same people are always en-route to an accident. They are the ones that will routinely indicate right then turn left, stop for no obvious reason in the middle of the highway, overtake stationary school buses and drive so close to my tailpipe I want a cigarette when they pull out.

I have made a habit of watching for hats. I told the edible Nikki about this and she now routinely watches for the Hatted Ones too. When we see one, we call it out. And usually, 30 seconds or so later, something stoopid happens. I love wedding parties: I have a theory the bride is traditionally late to church because the chauffeur driver just keeps turning left. Let my experience be a lesson to all. It could save your life someday. Beware the Hatted Ones! And if you are one, take the bugger off. You look silly.